Kobe is My Old Hawaiian Island Creations Shirt; Putin Clearly Does Not Want to See Billie Jean King's Haircut; Obama and I Are Getting Cut-Off From Our Parents' Money Pretty Soon

Kobe Reminds Me of a Shirt I Own

Fourteen years ago a friend pilfered a Hawaiian Island Creations shirt from the mall for my birthday.  The half-naked mermaid on the back that reminded him of me exemplifies class that is only surpassed by Dame Judi Dench wearing a turtleneck to a cricket match.  It certainly told the world, "I have a 4.5 G.P.A., 1350 on my SAT, piano and dance awards at the national level, and am actively recruited by Wellesley".  It might surprise you to know I threw all that away to party my ass off at the University of Colorado at Boulder, because someone in ownership of such a shirt only makes solid life decisions.  I guess there is an exception to every rule.

I still wear that thing.  It is comfortable and I am familiar as fuck with it.  That shirt defines me.  I mean, not really, but when you see yourself in a shirt for fourteen years, it's difficult to imagine your life without it.  I put it on and think "yes, just as it was in high school".  

I've got some sort of self-diagnosed tee-shirt dysmorphic disorder when it comes to this thing, too.  It is nothing like it was in high school.  There are so many holes in this mother fucker.  I've yet to date a guy that thinks it's cute.  I mean, not even when I don't wear a bra with it and there's major side boob happening due to the excessive holes.

Kobe is that shirt.  He is not what he was in high school or even a few years ago.  He has so many holes in his legs.  We still wear him like nothing's wrong, oh but shit's wrong and nobody thinks it's cute save for those of us who are just so used to him from high school.  The more I wear and wash that shirt, the worse it gets.  The more we play and rehab Kobe, the less he can take.  I'm never going to give this shirt away, but I think I should retire it.  You know the Kobe analogy I'm going to make now, so I won't bother insulting your intelligence.

If you're curious as to what happened to my friend: he was selling meth and managing a Domino's somewhere in Webster last time I heard of him.  He stole a shirt with a half-naked chick on the back, because he thought she looked like me, y'all; he's pretty much meeting all the expectations we had of him, let's be real.

Oh, look who got put out to pasture with some kick ass sunglasses!

Putin on the Ritz for these Olympics

Alright, first, the United States announces the Obamas, Bidens, nor any former U.S. presidents or VPs will attend the Sochi olympics; rather, we are sending Billie Jean King amongst others.   If you're not familiar with the optical atrocities her hair committed over the years, take a gander at the Google image search.  Next thing I know, Putin plans to pardon Khodorkovsky and Pussy Riot no longer has to taste the shitty food Red makes.

Red's hair is better than BJK's.  Truth.

I don't think anybody thought Billie Jean King's terrible choices in follicular styling would ever aid in international human rights activism, but facts are facts.  All that news came way too soon after we announced Billie Jean King's hair would rep us at the olympics.  I mean, Putin is willing to put aside his personal differences with both dudes and chicks in an effort to appease BJK's hair.  I'm all about it.  Maybe we can send Miley to Syria and people will just start getting along to keep her weird outfits the hell out of town.

Don't Worry, Obama, We All Get Cut-Off Eventually

Dude, Obama.  My mom's been threatening to cut me off for months now, too.  I keep managing to push it while I focus on things I want to do, but I think it's time we both bite the bullet and realize we're gonna need to get some sort of job instead of constantly borrowing money we can't pay back to cover our expenses.  Look, we both went to law school, we look damn good in a suit, and can shark the shit out of tank full of yuppies.  We totally have the acumen and creativity to get through this.  I'm scared, you're scared, but scared money don't make money.  I hear the Whole Foods on Santa Monica and Fairfax is always hiring.  I can pick you up an application when I go to get one.  Let me know.  I got you, boo.

In other news, can we focus on getting highly-educated people jobs, too?  Factory workers aren't the only ones suffering.  Nothing worse than hearing you're "too smart" and "over-qualified" as the reason you're about to be on the streets.  Apparently nobody can create jobs for those of us with advanced degrees.  

Been Insanely Busy with the Holiday Season

I might not be able to blog again until the new year.  I'm exhausted, have a script to knock-out, and 29048504859048 parties to attend.  I think my mom and I might throw a party, too, so everything is bonkers right now.

Be safe, have fun, and don't hurt people.

Tchau,
D

I'm Not Drunk Enough to Deal with Screenwriters (Prepare Your Butt Hole for Cuss Words)

Hi, I'm a professional script reader.  In order to alleviate my incessant need to drink due to frustrations with your inability to write properly, I decided to make you a super fucking handy cheat sheet.  Learn it, live it, breathe it.

1)  Do not underline, bold, or italicize shit.  Stay the fuck away from all capitalized letters, unless you are introducing a character.  I will allow italics if the dialogue is a translation.

2)  Structure: do you know what this is?  Do you know what a three-act structure is comprised of?  If you don't, take a class or figure it out.  There are many elements to each act.  Let them guide you, so you don't go off the rails.  Never forget the following sentiment: you are not Chris Nolan.

3)  Dialogue should tell the story.  The audience cannot read the entire narrative you decided to put into your script.  This is a movie, not a book.  You want to write a book?  Go for it.  You want to write a movie?  Let the dialogue and a tiny percentage of directions tell the story.

4)  Dialogue should be distinct.  I get you think you're fucking hilarious, but not everybody thinks and talks like you.  When the dialogue starts to all sound the same, you're fucking up.

5)  Danny McBride does not want to be in your movie.  If I see one more damn script that says "think Danny McBride",  I will find you, call your mother from your phone, offer her sweet sweet lovin', show up to her place, and shit on her face.  How's that for Danny McBride?  On that note, no A-lister wants to be in your movie unless you're well-known or have someone well-known attached to your project.  Let it go.  If you find yourself writing, "think [name of A-list actor]", I am actually "thinking", "man, this idiot has nothing to offer".  Truth.  Get your own voice.  Thanks.

6)  Los Angeles is not the only city in the world.

7)  All your major characters should be introduced in the first act.  I might let it slide a bit into the early part of the second act before the first reversal or midpoint, but you're better off limiting them to the first act.  I totally get that you have some hilarious shit you came up with that involves minor characters in the second act, but if you still have people popping up in the third act, I am fucking done with you.

8)  Speaking of the third act, pay attention to your resolution and that every pertinent story was wrapped the hell up.

9)  Back to characters real quick.  If the list of every single appearing character takes more than two pages to list, I hate you and you're lucky there's no such thing as a STRONG PASS anymore.

10)  I'm ending my list here, because I know when to shut the fuck up, which is more than I can say for the majority of you.  Nobody gets a "tl;dr" on a movie.

EDIT:  Thought I'd re-publish this for you.

Um, Who Came Up With This; Those Guys Who Beg for Money Outside of the 99 Cent Store?

Apparently Wal-Mart asks employees to donate food to other employees who are in need.  What the hell?  Seriously, this is like the people who beg outside the 99 Cent Store.  I mean, nobody in the 99 Cent Store has money to spare or they'd splurge and buy real cheese instead of whatever 1952 Russian government rations they scrounge up to sell at the 99 Cent Store.

If a company with a $15.7 billion USD profit return is so interested in the well-being of their employees, why don't they up the wages rather than pointing a finger back at the worker?  This is worse than the advent of companies using Buddhist mindfulness in the workplace.  Displacing fault by blatantly shifting the burden to the employee is never a good way to go.

Get your shit together, Wal-Mart.  If discount retailers were a group of high school girls, you'd be the ugly one that's allowed to sit with the others only because you're rich.  The least you can do is share the wealth, because your face and personality aren't doing shit for you at this point.

Maybe we can get the employees to pay to have her extracted.

Internet Dating While Living in L.A. Under the Age of 40 is Still a Terrible Idea

Hi, please quit online dating.

1)  Who the hell are these people?  I am not sure who LincolnDriver78 is, but I guess he owns a shitty car and was born in 1978?  I mean, sure, if I typically spend my nights dumpster diving at 7-11, the dude is a catch, but let's be real, who the hell is this guy?

I once started a fake profile on J-Date.  I did a Google image search with the following boolean string, "hot Jew + beach" for the profile photo.  My profile was approved.  I can't even tell you how many responses I received.  I guess most online daters are too busy throwing caution to the fucking wind to stop and think, "wait, this person could be anyone... a serial killer".  Yes, I am that person that still thinks everyone online is a serial killer.  Good on me, because you know who Craigslist Killer hasn't killed?  "This moi".

Let alone their psychological profiles, I mean, who even looks like their pictures?  Let me show you what I look like in a great photo (granted, from my time as a model) versus what I look like normally.

Who is this vixen?!  I must know her!

Who is this nobody that will die alone?

So, you see, you can't trust photos.  Yes, they are both photos of me, but what you're seeing versus the reality of it all... well, that's a conundrum you wouldn't encounter if you just met someone at GNC or some shit.

2)  Why can't you just go out?  I seriously cannot fathom a day when I am so grotesque that I can't just go out into the world, find someone, have a decent conversation, and then get down to "ass tax" (that's a play on words for "brass tacks", btw; say the joke out loud).  There is nothing hideous about anybody.  I know that makes me sound like some sort of hippie, but my mom is in a drum circle (no joke), so it only makes sense that I would be this way.  There are people everywhere (please ignore all of this if you live in Nowhere City, Wherever You Are); all you need to do is  go out and talk to them.  It's easy, check it out: "hey, does this music suck or what?" "this is my favorite band; what's your number?"  Done and done.  Granted, I'm a total bitch, but hey, I score.

3)  Do you think the guys online are actually looking for a serious relationship?  Unless you're looking at the age of 40+, chances are the guys on there are just super lazy and simply looking to fornicate with someone that they have no emotional attachment to and will never have to see again.  Let's face it, these fellows know perfectly well how to get a girlfriend and likely never had a legitimate girlfriend from an online "relationship".

It is next to impossible to give a crap about someone that has zero meaning in your life.  That category encompasses people online.  Think about it, you have no concept of who these people are without a profile to look at.  You never engaged them in a conversation to learn about them, rather they're just out there blurting out all the crap they like.  You're better off yelling about your interests on the streets.  Heck, that would be a much better love story than simply going through someone's pictures and interests online.  If you people really had this much in common, you would've likely met each other already.

4)  Do you care not for romance?  There is absolutely nothing romantic about online dating.  Do you really want to tell your kids "I knew we were soul mates when he messaged me, 'u r so beautiful'"?  No.  A cool story is, "yeah, I knew we were soul mates when I kept making noise complaints on his friends' apartment and eventually they just started inviting me to the parties to get me to calm the hell down".  I can't tell you how many people tell me I'm hung up on the value of a "cute story", but the truth of the matter is a "cute story" is what keeps you going in a relationship.  It is the foundation to your romance.

5)  Oh you don't have time to find someone?  When will you find the time to date someone, then?  If your time is so limited that it impinges on your ability to have a fulfilling personal life, then you should re-adjust the balance in your life.  Quality of life is imperative to mental health.  Find the time to meet people.  I get that you want to just hurry up and find someone, but cutting corners with people rarely results in long-term results.  That goes for just about anything and you'll get similar advice from your grandparents, because it is one bit of advice that stands the test of time.

That is all.  Thank you and good night.

I Recently Got a LinkedIn and I'm Having Way Too Much Fun Endorsing People for Shit I Didn't Even Know They Could Do

This is also why, as a dual citizen of both Texas and California (yeah, I know that's not a "real thing", but I live like a damn maverick), I am voting for Wendy Davis.  Did I know she could do this?  No.  But I'm gonna endorse her like a paycheck, son!

By now, you guys should all know what a fan of sensible shoes I am.  Ugh, we have so much in common.

Wendy is my favorite kind of democrat: people who don't see every damn opinion as mutually exclusive.  Wendy most recently declared herself pro-life after her famous June filibuster when she advocated the contrary.  It's the "why not both" people who came up with the best shit on the planet: mixed race kids, Swiffer Wet Jets, stripper maids, and honey mustard.  

Yeahhhhh, girl, preach!

Nobody desires killing their own issue, but that choice needs to remain for reasons far beyond the ambit of ensuring there will be no loss of life to the mother.  Do you like how I put that sentence right after a picture of a little girl?  I'm fucking weird.

At the moment, every one of my endearingly precious gun-totin' and bible-thumpin' Texans are furious at the thought of this pro-choice woman becoming the next Ann Richards (who I still think was the greatest TX governor within my lifetime).  I read a comment earlier today that Davis would alienate the Hispanic vote, as they are clearly pro-life due to the pervasive catholic belief system within the culture.  I think these guys are paying too much mind to abortion debate and not nearly enough to the platform she is running on.  She would actually garner a huge percentage of the Hispanic vote based on her MedicAid reform.  

Davis' run for governor is a viable one.  Also, does anyone even know who Greg Abbott is?  You can't just make that jump from TX Atty. General to governor.  Plus, Harvard Law is going to beat Vanderbilt every time.  

Here's to laundry mats that have bars in them, wool blends, Colby Jack cheese, and to all of us liberals who are more willing to go closer to the middle line than staying on the far left.  Dare to dream, people, and dare to mix ideology the same way we mix soda flavors at Fuddruckers.  

There was a time when people thought this was crazy and would never last.

John Kerry May or May Not Go to Egypt in the Same Way I May or May Not Do My Laundry This Week

A friend of mine in undergrad met John Kerry; he was one of the "chosen few" that got to participate in a Q&A with the presidential candidates at the time.  My friend couldn't stand Kerry, but that might be because he is a staunch republican, which is noted by the fact he is insanely good looking and also enjoys things like Denver penthouses and unprotected sex.  If I remember correctly, he told me that Kerry came off as incredibly arrogant.  In other news, my friend now designs black teapots and kettles.  Just kidding, he's actually incredibly wealthy, working as a consultant, and living about one hundred times better than I am.  Time for me to shut-up about that and get to the point.

It should come as no shock that we, as Americans, Rulers of the Universe, and Purveyors of Democracy, are all about securing Egypt, so we can: exert some control over a region that would keep Israel on our "good side"; have control over the Suez Canal, since everyone loves a good short-cut; have as many Arabs on our side as we can get, and Egypt has a scientific fuck ton of them.  

By the power of Greyskull, let's get right with Egypt!

Back in July, Egypt got rid of their democratically elected president (who we didn't like anyway) and ever since then, we've slowly been neglecting them, much like I neglect my laundry.  John Kerry, our most esteemed Secretary of State, decided it is time to start thinking about going to Egypt and assuring our interests are secured.  Dude, you don't spill red wine on your white silk blouse, throw it in the laundry for a few months, and think that shit is going to come out easily afterward.  

I wish I could do a Q&A with Secretary Kerry.  I would ask him the following: "Once, I let my dirty laundry pile up so much that my roommate got fucking pissed at what our shared closet looked like and did my laundry for me.  We rarely spoke after that.  How do you think our roommates are gonna feel when they have to go to Egypt with $260M worth of rolls of quarters (and, mind you, I don't think Whole Foods can change that much into quarters for us) and take care of our dirty laundry in Egypt?  Bad enough we're barely on speaking terms with them now.  Where are we going to live if they kick us out?  Do we have enough money saved up to even move to Jupiter, yet?  We can't just vacate the world once we get into a fight with our roommates.  We really need to handle this mess in Egypt before our laundry spills over into Israel, 'cos the last thing we need are more angry roommates."

I can't even believe this guy is merely thinking about going to Egypt this week; he needs to hurry up and do it.  I mean, sure, things are starting to pile up in Egypt and in my laundry hamper, but I guess we have enough clean underwear and Arabs for now?  

John Kerry's and my life.

Halloween is Not on a Weekend This Year and Some of You Should Care About that Fact

My friends are really badass, but I worry they have their priorities all fucking wrong.  I mean, what is so great about these parties that can't wait 'til next year when Halloween will finally be on a Friday night?  Do they plan to die before then?  I mean, maybe death is a worry for those who live life in the fast lane by going out on work nights, but not me; I don't worry about that shit in the least, because I'm a responsible adult.  I'm the type of adult that wears sensible shoes while driving and always shuts the shower curtain after bathing.

Just wait until next year, worker people, you'll thank me for it on Friday when you still have your jobs.

This is from 2009, which is the last time Halloween fell on a weekend.  Never forget.

France is that Crazy Chick We Keep Making Out With at Parties When We're Drunk

I think my period synched with France's, because every time I hear them bitching about us, I'm on my period.  Heyyyyy, guess who has their period right now?!  I do.  I have it right now.  I guess that means it's that time of the month for France to get all hormonal on America.

France is that hot chick we dated, but remains crazy.  That country where we see pictures of her partying on a yacht in a bikini with other hot chicks and think, "whatever, girl, 'you a bad girl and ya friends bad, too', but you're always trippin' about some shit."  Sometimes, we get drunk and mess around with her again, but regret it when she starts pulling crazy moves.  This is why we can’t be together, France.

Super hot.  Super talented.  Super progressive.  Oh, but also super nuts.  France, meet your celebrity anthropomorphization.

Now you’re complaining to all our friends that we’re spying on you.  Girl, if you weren’t pulling shady moves that endangered us, we wouldn’t need to keep tabs on you.  We're just out here trying not to get murdered.  Isn't that what everyone wants; to not be murdered?

Then, we finally respond to her crazy texts and she's all mad, because it's only one sentence long.  Eventually, her antics get so out of hand where we give-in and calm her down in person so she'll leave our friends alone.  Dude, but we know she's still at home crying into some wine and listening to Aaliyah songs.

Maybe France read too much into code “US-985D”, “DRTBOX”, and “WHITEBOX”.  Girl, we're not insulting your lady parts with those codes.  They're just codes; we weren't saying you've got an extra large chest or a sullied "hoo-ha".  

Remember that time we were drunk on that U.N. power together and were gonna go to Syria?  I'm glad we sobered up and scrapped that idea, but let's just remember the good times we had during that bender, girl.  

Now you're off kickin' it with our ex-bff, Snowden; and it's understandable that you're mad at us, because he's talking about all this shit I said and did when you weren't around.  You can be mad, but leave us alone.  Come to your senses.  Seriously, we just don't want to die.  Quit causing a ruckus and go back to cooking.  Oh girl, and you sure can cook!  We'd wife you up if you weren't so nuts.  

You're still our number three girl.  Hit us up when you calm down; we'll go out for dinner and a Jay-Z concert or something.

What I Love About Fitness "Experts"

It's fall.  You know it is, because you just got bombarded with a handful of lame teenage spin-off shows and that other hot mess, Dads.  You'll probably spend tonight debating with your roommates, family members, or Facebook about what you should do during that half-hour slot Dads is on.  I suggest you work-out and emerge 30 minutes later as a " fitness expert".

This is what I love about "fitness experts": they like to state the obvious.  According to this Bret Contreras fellow, it is completely possible for the human body to achieve a high level of health without using machines.  Well, this is fantastic fucking news, because most exercise machines don't agree with my stance on not looking like I'm doing sex stuff while exercising.

Here's the real issue: why did anyone need this guy to tell us this?  Is there a decent size of the population who thinks weight machines are imperative to fitness?  Are these the same people who think Facebook is imperative to socializing or that iPhones are the only way to facilitate fulfillment?

Clearly, whoever these people are, they need to be told what to do by "fitness experts".  Now, let me tell you what I think it takes to be a "fitness expert".  

Do you look good and have you done enough physical activity where you've run out of breath?  Congratulations, you're a fitness expert.  

Do you look good and eat salads without any shit on it?  Holy fuck, you're now a nutritionist.  

Do you look good and drink quinoa kombucha chia detox after Zumba Cross-Fit Cardio Barre Windsor Pilates IFBB Pro p90x 360 187 on a motha' fuckin' cop?  FUCK, SON!  You're not only qualified to be dolin' out advice on other peoples' bodies, but you can probably do it while pussy poppin' on a handstand.

The key to being a "fitness expert"?  Just look good and then hand out advice like you're the goddamn Messiah to these fatties.

Yo, Bret, I'm really happy for you.  I'mma let you finish; but Arnold said it best.

Fitness experts finding true love.

North Korea Can't Stop Won't Stop Get It Get It

Whilst my fellow Americans slowly give up on pronouncing Boehner correctly, I decided to re-focus my attention on another set of clowns: North Korea.  Here's a delightful quote released today from the KCNA, "[the] U.S. will be wholly accountable for the unexpected horrible disaster to be met by its imperialist aggression forces' nuclear strike means."  For starters, you lost me after "horrible disaster," as I cannot decipher the rest of the English phrasing.  I mean, the real threat here is North Korea seems to be utilizing Google Translate rather than hiring a legitimate translator.  Eh, maybe they spent all their money building a skull-shaped island where they house a gargantuan laser that will blow up the sun; naturally, they couldn't afford a decent translator to warn us of of their prowess and our impending doom after such large villainous expenditures.  At the end of the day, I have no idea what's going on with those guys, but I've decided to only show fear when Dennis Rodman decides to leave the country for no good reason.  Dennis Rodman, I turn to you.

Then there's the whole mystery threat thing.  I'm not sure how many Batman movies these guys watched, but last I checked, these types of threats are best used when trying to strike fear in the hearts of the citizens of Gotham; doesn't work so much in real life.  I see the word "nuclear" in there, so maybe that's the mystery threat.  This is worse than the time in 6th grade when I tried to figure out what the growth on Ms. Blye's neck was.  For those of you now on the edge of your seats, it was eczema.

Haaaaahahahahahahaha! Oscar. (Man, I Hope Some of You Remember That Quote)- September/October Releases

I'm privileged to watch a lot of screeners before the rest of the world.  With that said, half the time I won't even bother to watch them, because I'm too busy working in entertainment to enjoy entertainment.  Does that make sense?  Think of me as the valet guy.  Sure, I'm in your Lambo and driving it, but I'm straight up driving your car in the parking lot and then I have to hurry up, hop out, and grab the next car.  I'm not exactly living the dream in your car, but I'm in it.  That's what working in entertainment is like.

Now that the summer "I'm Way Too Hungover to Fully Explore My Emotions So Another Wolverine Movie Will Do" phase is done, it's time to usher in the movies that we'll likely be hearing about in February.  Unlike the last award season, where we all scrambled to watch all the nominees in the course of 2-3 days, I'm going to get a head start.  Color me ambitious!

You see, my New Year's resolution (yeah, all hail the girl who kept up her resolution) was to quit procrastinating.  I've done a bang-up job with this in terms of laundry.  Last year, I would let roughly a month's worth of laundry pile up.  Now?  Well, I'm a changed woman!  I do my laundry once a week!  I smell good, my clothes look good, and I'm no longer worried that the stain from Chin Chin on my DVF blouse might grow into penicillin.  Not only is nobody as dope as my fresh game, but I'm also keeping up with Oscar contenders as they come out.  My due fucking diligence has me on the up-and-up with the front runners for award season.  Now who doesn't like an individual who exemplifies such fine standards?

The following is a list that will get updated as I watch for releases this month.  I'm mainly interested in Best Picture, but might talk about some other categories from time to time.  Let's get to it.

The Place Beyond the Pines:  7/10

Don't get me wrong, this movie was fabulous, but it is as though they packaged all the big box office actors without much regard for the story itself.  There is also the issue of this movie getting released to the public way too early to be remembered around the time of nominations (January.)  The other contenders are much stronger candidates for Best Picture.  By now, everyone watched this movie and if you're still pining away for the Pines, you need to hurry up and get your ass to the theaters, because there is some serious competition out there.

Fruitvale (renamed Fruitvale Station):  9/10

I watched this movie on the plane on the way to Houston back in May/June.  I'd been trying to get my hands on the screener long before that when all the buzz was going on at Sundance about it.  Regardless, I finally got to see it.  I'm pretty sure everyone on the plane thought I had severe emotional problems with the way I cried.  I adore this movie.  There are a couple issues with whether it will get a nomination or not in Best Picture.

The first issue is the one that faced Beasts of the Southern Wild.  Sure, it's wonderful and deserves all the accolades in the world, but it is only going to get in as one of those, "let's give the audience an underdog to root for."  The second issue is Lee Daniels' The Butler.  Both movies are afrocentric with a strong messages about African American culture.  While I would like to see both movies up for nominations, I highly doubt the Academy will go for it.  Hopefully, Fruitvale gets a nomination for original screenplay, but I get the feeling they would go with The Butler before Fruitvale in the realm of Best Picture.

Lee Daniels' The Butler:  9/10

Incredible.  The cast is stellar.  The story is layered, yet simple to understand.  While Fruitvale hints at, and blatantly states in Act III, issues currently facing African American culture, The Butler shows the history of those issues and the strides that were made to further efforts of racial equality.  Between The Butler and Fruitvale, this is the safer nomination for Best Picture.

I could easily see Forrest Whittaker as a strong contender for Best Actor.  The movie centers around his character, a butler for the White House, having to stifle his political opinions to keep his job while maintaining a home with a son who was a freedom fighter.  The dichotomy of the goals presented created a polarity in the character that was played excellently by Whittaker.  This role easily could've been fucked-up by just about any other actor.

As a side, I love how Mariah Carey always manages to edge her way into a glorious movie by taking on roles that are homely and of few words.  I guess that's what you do after Glitter.

Rush:  9/10

I know nothing about cars.  I think Fisker Karmas are pretty.  That's all I know about cars.  Currently, there's a tire pressure light on in my Honda Element, but I'm too busy to deal with it.  God only knows what chaos that will lead to with my car.

It was a huge relief to watch this movie and think, "oh word!  I don't need to know shit about cars to get into this movie!"  Both Ron Howard and Peter Morgan already have Oscars.  This film just might get them another one.  I was skeptical about the choice of Chris Hemsworth, but he played a great womanizing booze-hound.  Daniel Brühl not only resembled Niki Lauda, but really managed to play both conceited and lovable simultaneously.  The supporting cast nailed it.  Everything from the cinematography, to the acting, to the writing, and directing were nearly flawless.

The writing, though.  Oh, dear Lord Jesus, the writing!  I loved it.  Peter Morgan is a goddamn whiz kid.  Well, whiz middle-aged man.  This fellow took a story ripe with testosterone and made it palatable for any gender of any age by infusing it with philosophical lessons about rivalry and competition, while still balancing humor with the heavy shit that was going down.

Prisoners:  8/10

The very end made this movie.  That is all I will say without spoiler-ing the shit out of it.  Let's be real, though, if Taken couldn't get an Oscar nomination, neither will this.  I suggest you watch it, just to enjoy yourself at the movies; but I, personally, doubt this will get much in the way of Academy attention.  Some people are wondering if there is a Best Actor in there for Hugh Jackman, but I don't see it.  He played one emotion nearly the entire time: high-octane crazy pants.  Hell, that was nearly everybody in this movie.  Good movie, but no Oscar nomination: final answer.

Blue Jasmine: -/10

I'm not watching this.  Honestly, I don't "get" Woody Allen.  Go read someone else's blog if you want this to be in your comprehensive list of who's up for what.  I hear it has a good chance of getting in.  If you're lucky, I might get another industry homie to do a quick write-up that could fit here.

Gravity:  8/10

People love survival stories.   Thank God I watched this movie at home or I would be that obnoxious movie patron yelling, "shit!  Oh shit!  Sandra, lookout!  Oh baby, no!  Wait wait wait... where're you headed?!"  There was a lot of surviving going on, y'all.  While the story itself is unremarkable in the overall theme of continuously forging ahead when life keeps throwing lemons at you, the film becomes remarkable due to the directing.

Let's talk about Alfonso Cuarón as a director.  If you saw Children of Men, then you know this guy has made the extra-long continuous take his signature.  He executes it gloriously every time and the opening 17 minutes of Gravity is not an exception.  There are several parts in this movie that made me nauseous, but hey, when you're swirling around in outer space, disorientation is the name of the game.  The reason the audience internalizes the story, and the otherwise unremarkable film becomes remarkable, is due to his directorial ability create an illusion for the audience that they are in the story.  While he is not a stranger to the Oscars, I think this movie puts him in the race for Best Director, which would be his first directorial Oscar nomination.  There is a good shot for Best Picture in there, too, but I am still waiting to see all the contenders before I say this movie has a sure shot at Best Picture.

Captain Phillips:  7/10

Here we have another survival story, but this one is based on a true story.  It is notable the "true" story is soon to be debated in court, as well.  Apparently the real Captain Phillips was a bit of a blithering idiot and not exactly the bright ingenious individual we see in the film.

Now here's the deal, everybody is loving this movie and loving Tom Hanks in it.  I just find the pre-existing life up to the inciting incident was paced incredibly slow.  Also, maybe, just maybe, getting the director from Bourne Ultimatum isn't exactly the best way to tug on the heart strings of an audience watching his and his crews' life flash before his eyes in slow-motion.

The ending was executed wonderfully.  I would say at that point, Tom Hanks gave an Oscar-worthy performance.  I'm terrible sorry to say this, because Tom Hanks really imitated Captain Richard Phillips well, but I didn't find it to be great acting.  I mean, ultimately, it's a great imitation.  This isn't Daniel Day Lewis as Lincoln, who brought Abe to life.  Rather, this is a two hour impression of Captain Phillips directed by the guy who does the Jason Bourne stuff.  While I don't care for it, as of now, I could see this getting one of the 10 coveted Oscar noms for Best Picture.  After all, it is better than Runner Runner and a million other movies out there right now.

It is notable that I am the only person on the planet who didn't like this movie and it is likely because I think that Captain Phillips is a bullheaded moron.  Maybe it's the lawyer in me.

12 Years a Slave:

(watching later)

All is Lost:

(watching later)

My Oscar Prediction Rankings for Current Releases as of October 29, 2013 (Best Picture):

1. Gravity
2. Rush
3. Lee Daniels' The Butler
4. Fruitvale
5. Blue Jasmine (from what I hear, see above)
6. Captain Phillips

Note:  This entry was written over the course of time and I will likely do a new one each month to keep up with releases.  By the time January rolls around, maybe all of the movies listed here will pale in comparison to late season releases, so I will try and keep a running ranking.

EDIT:  I've been tremendously busy and will have to update the crap out of this.  I am nearly caught up on every potential contender at this point.  What you see in this blog entry does not reflect my current standings. 12/28/2014

The U.S. Government Shut Down, because They Can't Figure Out Spending

This is great.  I live on meager earnings and can't figure out my spending, either.  I'm going to just shut down.  In the meantime, when people start asking me why I'm not paying rent or bills, and they consider my lack of tender for food "stealing", I'm just going to explain to them, "I am at an impasse between my earnings and what I need to spend, so I shut down.  It is the American way.  Monuments should be erected in my honor based on my patriotism."  USA!  USA!  USA!

One spending issue that congress faces is the inability to agree on the proposed Affordable Care Act.  For once, I think the American public can understand how congress feels, because we have no fucking idea what that shit is about either.  I have half a mind to call up my mom and tell her, "the homeless need homes and I think you should fund this."  Undoubtedly, she will ask, "why?  Who do you think I am?  I can't afford all that.  Divya, I thought you were quitting drinking for a while."  We will then reach a deadlock, because I won't explain myself and she will refuse to give the money.  Congress, you are confused and so the fuck are we.  I say we scrap the whole thing until the next fiscal term.

Now, on to more pressing questions.  Are government shut downs like snow days for congress?  Will they watch endless Charlie Brown movies while eating large bowls of cereal in their pajamas?

Bald Eagles, American Mastiffs, The Grand Canyon, and Toddlers in Tiaras,
Divya