What I Love About Fitness "Experts"

It's fall.  You know it is, because you just got bombarded with a handful of lame teenage spin-off shows and that other hot mess, Dads.  You'll probably spend tonight debating with your roommates, family members, or Facebook about what you should do during that half-hour slot Dads is on.  I suggest you work-out and emerge 30 minutes later as a " fitness expert".

This is what I love about "fitness experts": they like to state the obvious.  According to this Bret Contreras fellow, it is completely possible for the human body to achieve a high level of health without using machines.  Well, this is fantastic fucking news, because most exercise machines don't agree with my stance on not looking like I'm doing sex stuff while exercising.

Here's the real issue: why did anyone need this guy to tell us this?  Is there a decent size of the population who thinks weight machines are imperative to fitness?  Are these the same people who think Facebook is imperative to socializing or that iPhones are the only way to facilitate fulfillment?

Clearly, whoever these people are, they need to be told what to do by "fitness experts".  Now, let me tell you what I think it takes to be a "fitness expert".  

Do you look good and have you done enough physical activity where you've run out of breath?  Congratulations, you're a fitness expert.  

Do you look good and eat salads without any shit on it?  Holy fuck, you're now a nutritionist.  

Do you look good and drink quinoa kombucha chia detox after Zumba Cross-Fit Cardio Barre Windsor Pilates IFBB Pro p90x 360 187 on a motha' fuckin' cop?  FUCK, SON!  You're not only qualified to be dolin' out advice on other peoples' bodies, but you can probably do it while pussy poppin' on a handstand.

The key to being a "fitness expert"?  Just look good and then hand out advice like you're the goddamn Messiah to these fatties.

Yo, Bret, I'm really happy for you.  I'mma let you finish; but Arnold said it best.

Fitness experts finding true love.