John Kerry May or May Not Go to Egypt in the Same Way I May or May Not Do My Laundry This Week

A friend of mine in undergrad met John Kerry; he was one of the "chosen few" that got to participate in a Q&A with the presidential candidates at the time.  My friend couldn't stand Kerry, but that might be because he is a staunch republican, which is noted by the fact he is insanely good looking and also enjoys things like Denver penthouses and unprotected sex.  If I remember correctly, he told me that Kerry came off as incredibly arrogant.  In other news, my friend now designs black teapots and kettles.  Just kidding, he's actually incredibly wealthy, working as a consultant, and living about one hundred times better than I am.  Time for me to shut-up about that and get to the point.

It should come as no shock that we, as Americans, Rulers of the Universe, and Purveyors of Democracy, are all about securing Egypt, so we can: exert some control over a region that would keep Israel on our "good side"; have control over the Suez Canal, since everyone loves a good short-cut; have as many Arabs on our side as we can get, and Egypt has a scientific fuck ton of them.  

By the power of Greyskull, let's get right with Egypt!

Back in July, Egypt got rid of their democratically elected president (who we didn't like anyway) and ever since then, we've slowly been neglecting them, much like I neglect my laundry.  John Kerry, our most esteemed Secretary of State, decided it is time to start thinking about going to Egypt and assuring our interests are secured.  Dude, you don't spill red wine on your white silk blouse, throw it in the laundry for a few months, and think that shit is going to come out easily afterward.  

I wish I could do a Q&A with Secretary Kerry.  I would ask him the following: "Once, I let my dirty laundry pile up so much that my roommate got fucking pissed at what our shared closet looked like and did my laundry for me.  We rarely spoke after that.  How do you think our roommates are gonna feel when they have to go to Egypt with $260M worth of rolls of quarters (and, mind you, I don't think Whole Foods can change that much into quarters for us) and take care of our dirty laundry in Egypt?  Bad enough we're barely on speaking terms with them now.  Where are we going to live if they kick us out?  Do we have enough money saved up to even move to Jupiter, yet?  We can't just vacate the world once we get into a fight with our roommates.  We really need to handle this mess in Egypt before our laundry spills over into Israel, 'cos the last thing we need are more angry roommates."

I can't even believe this guy is merely thinking about going to Egypt this week; he needs to hurry up and do it.  I mean, sure, things are starting to pile up in Egypt and in my laundry hamper, but I guess we have enough clean underwear and Arabs for now?  

John Kerry's and my life.