Internet Dating While Living in L.A. Under the Age of 40 is Still a Terrible Idea

Hi, please quit online dating.

1)  Who the hell are these people?  I am not sure who LincolnDriver78 is, but I guess he owns a shitty car and was born in 1978?  I mean, sure, if I typically spend my nights dumpster diving at 7-11, the dude is a catch, but let's be real, who the hell is this guy?

I once started a fake profile on J-Date.  I did a Google image search with the following boolean string, "hot Jew + beach" for the profile photo.  My profile was approved.  I can't even tell you how many responses I received.  I guess most online daters are too busy throwing caution to the fucking wind to stop and think, "wait, this person could be anyone... a serial killer".  Yes, I am that person that still thinks everyone online is a serial killer.  Good on me, because you know who Craigslist Killer hasn't killed?  "This moi".

Let alone their psychological profiles, I mean, who even looks like their pictures?  Let me show you what I look like in a great photo (granted, from my time as a model) versus what I look like normally.

Who is this vixen?!  I must know her!

Who is this nobody that will die alone?

So, you see, you can't trust photos.  Yes, they are both photos of me, but what you're seeing versus the reality of it all... well, that's a conundrum you wouldn't encounter if you just met someone at GNC or some shit.

2)  Why can't you just go out?  I seriously cannot fathom a day when I am so grotesque that I can't just go out into the world, find someone, have a decent conversation, and then get down to "ass tax" (that's a play on words for "brass tacks", btw; say the joke out loud).  There is nothing hideous about anybody.  I know that makes me sound like some sort of hippie, but my mom is in a drum circle (no joke), so it only makes sense that I would be this way.  There are people everywhere (please ignore all of this if you live in Nowhere City, Wherever You Are); all you need to do is  go out and talk to them.  It's easy, check it out: "hey, does this music suck or what?" "this is my favorite band; what's your number?"  Done and done.  Granted, I'm a total bitch, but hey, I score.

3)  Do you think the guys online are actually looking for a serious relationship?  Unless you're looking at the age of 40+, chances are the guys on there are just super lazy and simply looking to fornicate with someone that they have no emotional attachment to and will never have to see again.  Let's face it, these fellows know perfectly well how to get a girlfriend and likely never had a legitimate girlfriend from an online "relationship".

It is next to impossible to give a crap about someone that has zero meaning in your life.  That category encompasses people online.  Think about it, you have no concept of who these people are without a profile to look at.  You never engaged them in a conversation to learn about them, rather they're just out there blurting out all the crap they like.  You're better off yelling about your interests on the streets.  Heck, that would be a much better love story than simply going through someone's pictures and interests online.  If you people really had this much in common, you would've likely met each other already.

4)  Do you care not for romance?  There is absolutely nothing romantic about online dating.  Do you really want to tell your kids "I knew we were soul mates when he messaged me, 'u r so beautiful'"?  No.  A cool story is, "yeah, I knew we were soul mates when I kept making noise complaints on his friends' apartment and eventually they just started inviting me to the parties to get me to calm the hell down".  I can't tell you how many people tell me I'm hung up on the value of a "cute story", but the truth of the matter is a "cute story" is what keeps you going in a relationship.  It is the foundation to your romance.

5)  Oh you don't have time to find someone?  When will you find the time to date someone, then?  If your time is so limited that it impinges on your ability to have a fulfilling personal life, then you should re-adjust the balance in your life.  Quality of life is imperative to mental health.  Find the time to meet people.  I get that you want to just hurry up and find someone, but cutting corners with people rarely results in long-term results.  That goes for just about anything and you'll get similar advice from your grandparents, because it is one bit of advice that stands the test of time.

That is all.  Thank you and good night.

What I Love About Fitness "Experts"

It's fall.  You know it is, because you just got bombarded with a handful of lame teenage spin-off shows and that other hot mess, Dads.  You'll probably spend tonight debating with your roommates, family members, or Facebook about what you should do during that half-hour slot Dads is on.  I suggest you work-out and emerge 30 minutes later as a " fitness expert".

This is what I love about "fitness experts": they like to state the obvious.  According to this Bret Contreras fellow, it is completely possible for the human body to achieve a high level of health without using machines.  Well, this is fantastic fucking news, because most exercise machines don't agree with my stance on not looking like I'm doing sex stuff while exercising.

Here's the real issue: why did anyone need this guy to tell us this?  Is there a decent size of the population who thinks weight machines are imperative to fitness?  Are these the same people who think Facebook is imperative to socializing or that iPhones are the only way to facilitate fulfillment?

Clearly, whoever these people are, they need to be told what to do by "fitness experts".  Now, let me tell you what I think it takes to be a "fitness expert".  

Do you look good and have you done enough physical activity where you've run out of breath?  Congratulations, you're a fitness expert.  

Do you look good and eat salads without any shit on it?  Holy fuck, you're now a nutritionist.  

Do you look good and drink quinoa kombucha chia detox after Zumba Cross-Fit Cardio Barre Windsor Pilates IFBB Pro p90x 360 187 on a motha' fuckin' cop?  FUCK, SON!  You're not only qualified to be dolin' out advice on other peoples' bodies, but you can probably do it while pussy poppin' on a handstand.

The key to being a "fitness expert"?  Just look good and then hand out advice like you're the goddamn Messiah to these fatties.

Yo, Bret, I'm really happy for you.  I'mma let you finish; but Arnold said it best.

Fitness experts finding true love.