France is that Crazy Chick We Keep Making Out With at Parties When We're Drunk

I think my period synched with France's, because every time I hear them bitching about us, I'm on my period.  Heyyyyy, guess who has their period right now?!  I do.  I have it right now.  I guess that means it's that time of the month for France to get all hormonal on America.

France is that hot chick we dated, but remains crazy.  That country where we see pictures of her partying on a yacht in a bikini with other hot chicks and think, "whatever, girl, 'you a bad girl and ya friends bad, too', but you're always trippin' about some shit."  Sometimes, we get drunk and mess around with her again, but regret it when she starts pulling crazy moves.  This is why we can’t be together, France.

Super hot.  Super talented.  Super progressive.  Oh, but also super nuts.  France, meet your celebrity anthropomorphization.

Now you’re complaining to all our friends that we’re spying on you.  Girl, if you weren’t pulling shady moves that endangered us, we wouldn’t need to keep tabs on you.  We're just out here trying not to get murdered.  Isn't that what everyone wants; to not be murdered?

Then, we finally respond to her crazy texts and she's all mad, because it's only one sentence long.  Eventually, her antics get so out of hand where we give-in and calm her down in person so she'll leave our friends alone.  Dude, but we know she's still at home crying into some wine and listening to Aaliyah songs.

Maybe France read too much into code “US-985D”, “DRTBOX”, and “WHITEBOX”.  Girl, we're not insulting your lady parts with those codes.  They're just codes; we weren't saying you've got an extra large chest or a sullied "hoo-ha".  

Remember that time we were drunk on that U.N. power together and were gonna go to Syria?  I'm glad we sobered up and scrapped that idea, but let's just remember the good times we had during that bender, girl.  

Now you're off kickin' it with our ex-bff, Snowden; and it's understandable that you're mad at us, because he's talking about all this shit I said and did when you weren't around.  You can be mad, but leave us alone.  Come to your senses.  Seriously, we just don't want to die.  Quit causing a ruckus and go back to cooking.  Oh girl, and you sure can cook!  We'd wife you up if you weren't so nuts.  

You're still our number three girl.  Hit us up when you calm down; we'll go out for dinner and a Jay-Z concert or something.