Fourteen years ago a friend pilfered a Hawaiian Island Creations shirt from the mall for my birthday. The half-naked mermaid on the back that reminded him of me exemplifies class that is only surpassed by Dame Judi Dench wearing a turtleneck to a cricket match. It certainly told the world, "I have a 4.5 G.P.A., 1350 on my SAT, piano and dance awards at the national level, and am actively recruited by Wellesley". It might surprise you to know I threw all that away to party my ass off at the University of Colorado at Boulder, because someone in ownership of such a shirt only makes solid life decisions. I guess there is an exception to every rule.
I still wear that thing. It is comfortable and I am familiar as fuck with it. That shirt defines me. I mean, not really, but when you see yourself in a shirt for fourteen years, it's difficult to imagine your life without it. I put it on and think "yes, just as it was in high school".
I've got some sort of self-diagnosed tee-shirt dysmorphic disorder when it comes to this thing, too. It is nothing like it was in high school. There are so many holes in this mother fucker. I've yet to date a guy that thinks it's cute. I mean, not even when I don't wear a bra with it and there's major side boob happening due to the excessive holes.
Kobe is that shirt. He is not what he was in high school or even a few years ago. He has so many holes in his legs. We still wear him like nothing's wrong, oh but shit's wrong and nobody thinks it's cute save for those of us who are just so used to him from high school. The more I wear and wash that shirt, the worse it gets. The more we play and rehab Kobe, the less he can take. I'm never going to give this shirt away, but I think I should retire it. You know the Kobe analogy I'm going to make now, so I won't bother insulting your intelligence.
If you're curious as to what happened to my friend: he was selling meth and managing a Domino's somewhere in Webster last time I heard of him. He stole a shirt with a half-naked chick on the back, because he thought she looked like me, y'all; he's pretty much meeting all the expectations we had of him, let's be real.
Oh, look who got put out to pasture with some kick ass sunglasses! |
Putin on the Ritz for these Olympics
Alright, first, the United States announces the Obamas, Bidens, nor any former U.S. presidents or VPs will attend the Sochi olympics; rather, we are sending Billie Jean King amongst others. If you're not familiar with the optical atrocities her hair committed over the years, take a gander at the Google image search. Next thing I know, Putin plans to pardon Khodorkovsky and Pussy Riot no longer has to taste the shitty food Red makes.
Red's hair is better than BJK's. Truth. |
I don't think anybody thought Billie Jean King's terrible choices in follicular styling would ever aid in international human rights activism, but facts are facts. All that news came way too soon after we announced Billie Jean King's hair would rep us at the olympics. I mean, Putin is willing to put aside his personal differences with both dudes and chicks in an effort to appease BJK's hair. I'm all about it. Maybe we can send Miley to Syria and people will just start getting along to keep her weird outfits the hell out of town.
Dude, Obama. My mom's been threatening to cut me off for months now, too. I keep managing to push it while I focus on things I want to do, but I think it's time we both bite the bullet and realize we're gonna need to get some sort of job instead of constantly borrowing money we can't pay back to cover our expenses. Look, we both went to law school, we look damn good in a suit, and can shark the shit out of tank full of yuppies. We totally have the acumen and creativity to get through this. I'm scared, you're scared, but scared money don't make money. I hear the Whole Foods on Santa Monica and Fairfax is always hiring. I can pick you up an application when I go to get one. Let me know. I got you, boo.
In other news, can we focus on getting highly-educated people jobs, too? Factory workers aren't the only ones suffering. Nothing worse than hearing you're "too smart" and "over-qualified" as the reason you're about to be on the streets. Apparently nobody can create jobs for those of us with advanced degrees.