John Kerry May or May Not Go to Egypt in the Same Way I May or May Not Do My Laundry This Week

A friend of mine in undergrad met John Kerry; he was one of the "chosen few" that got to participate in a Q&A with the presidential candidates at the time.  My friend couldn't stand Kerry, but that might be because he is a staunch republican, which is noted by the fact he is insanely good looking and also enjoys things like Denver penthouses and unprotected sex.  If I remember correctly, he told me that Kerry came off as incredibly arrogant.  In other news, my friend now designs black teapots and kettles.  Just kidding, he's actually incredibly wealthy, working as a consultant, and living about one hundred times better than I am.  Time for me to shut-up about that and get to the point.

It should come as no shock that we, as Americans, Rulers of the Universe, and Purveyors of Democracy, are all about securing Egypt, so we can: exert some control over a region that would keep Israel on our "good side"; have control over the Suez Canal, since everyone loves a good short-cut; have as many Arabs on our side as we can get, and Egypt has a scientific fuck ton of them.  

By the power of Greyskull, let's get right with Egypt!

Back in July, Egypt got rid of their democratically elected president (who we didn't like anyway) and ever since then, we've slowly been neglecting them, much like I neglect my laundry.  John Kerry, our most esteemed Secretary of State, decided it is time to start thinking about going to Egypt and assuring our interests are secured.  Dude, you don't spill red wine on your white silk blouse, throw it in the laundry for a few months, and think that shit is going to come out easily afterward.  

I wish I could do a Q&A with Secretary Kerry.  I would ask him the following: "Once, I let my dirty laundry pile up so much that my roommate got fucking pissed at what our shared closet looked like and did my laundry for me.  We rarely spoke after that.  How do you think our roommates are gonna feel when they have to go to Egypt with $260M worth of rolls of quarters (and, mind you, I don't think Whole Foods can change that much into quarters for us) and take care of our dirty laundry in Egypt?  Bad enough we're barely on speaking terms with them now.  Where are we going to live if they kick us out?  Do we have enough money saved up to even move to Jupiter, yet?  We can't just vacate the world once we get into a fight with our roommates.  We really need to handle this mess in Egypt before our laundry spills over into Israel, 'cos the last thing we need are more angry roommates."

I can't even believe this guy is merely thinking about going to Egypt this week; he needs to hurry up and do it.  I mean, sure, things are starting to pile up in Egypt and in my laundry hamper, but I guess we have enough clean underwear and Arabs for now?  

John Kerry's and my life.

Halloween is Not on a Weekend This Year and Some of You Should Care About that Fact

My friends are really badass, but I worry they have their priorities all fucking wrong.  I mean, what is so great about these parties that can't wait 'til next year when Halloween will finally be on a Friday night?  Do they plan to die before then?  I mean, maybe death is a worry for those who live life in the fast lane by going out on work nights, but not me; I don't worry about that shit in the least, because I'm a responsible adult.  I'm the type of adult that wears sensible shoes while driving and always shuts the shower curtain after bathing.

Just wait until next year, worker people, you'll thank me for it on Friday when you still have your jobs.

This is from 2009, which is the last time Halloween fell on a weekend.  Never forget.

France is that Crazy Chick We Keep Making Out With at Parties When We're Drunk

I think my period synched with France's, because every time I hear them bitching about us, I'm on my period.  Heyyyyy, guess who has their period right now?!  I do.  I have it right now.  I guess that means it's that time of the month for France to get all hormonal on America.

France is that hot chick we dated, but remains crazy.  That country where we see pictures of her partying on a yacht in a bikini with other hot chicks and think, "whatever, girl, 'you a bad girl and ya friends bad, too', but you're always trippin' about some shit."  Sometimes, we get drunk and mess around with her again, but regret it when she starts pulling crazy moves.  This is why we can’t be together, France.

Super hot.  Super talented.  Super progressive.  Oh, but also super nuts.  France, meet your celebrity anthropomorphization.

Now you’re complaining to all our friends that we’re spying on you.  Girl, if you weren’t pulling shady moves that endangered us, we wouldn’t need to keep tabs on you.  We're just out here trying not to get murdered.  Isn't that what everyone wants; to not be murdered?

Then, we finally respond to her crazy texts and she's all mad, because it's only one sentence long.  Eventually, her antics get so out of hand where we give-in and calm her down in person so she'll leave our friends alone.  Dude, but we know she's still at home crying into some wine and listening to Aaliyah songs.

Maybe France read too much into code “US-985D”, “DRTBOX”, and “WHITEBOX”.  Girl, we're not insulting your lady parts with those codes.  They're just codes; we weren't saying you've got an extra large chest or a sullied "hoo-ha".  

Remember that time we were drunk on that U.N. power together and were gonna go to Syria?  I'm glad we sobered up and scrapped that idea, but let's just remember the good times we had during that bender, girl.  

Now you're off kickin' it with our ex-bff, Snowden; and it's understandable that you're mad at us, because he's talking about all this shit I said and did when you weren't around.  You can be mad, but leave us alone.  Come to your senses.  Seriously, we just don't want to die.  Quit causing a ruckus and go back to cooking.  Oh girl, and you sure can cook!  We'd wife you up if you weren't so nuts.  

You're still our number three girl.  Hit us up when you calm down; we'll go out for dinner and a Jay-Z concert or something.

What I Love About Fitness "Experts"

It's fall.  You know it is, because you just got bombarded with a handful of lame teenage spin-off shows and that other hot mess, Dads.  You'll probably spend tonight debating with your roommates, family members, or Facebook about what you should do during that half-hour slot Dads is on.  I suggest you work-out and emerge 30 minutes later as a " fitness expert".

This is what I love about "fitness experts": they like to state the obvious.  According to this Bret Contreras fellow, it is completely possible for the human body to achieve a high level of health without using machines.  Well, this is fantastic fucking news, because most exercise machines don't agree with my stance on not looking like I'm doing sex stuff while exercising.

Here's the real issue: why did anyone need this guy to tell us this?  Is there a decent size of the population who thinks weight machines are imperative to fitness?  Are these the same people who think Facebook is imperative to socializing or that iPhones are the only way to facilitate fulfillment?

Clearly, whoever these people are, they need to be told what to do by "fitness experts".  Now, let me tell you what I think it takes to be a "fitness expert".  

Do you look good and have you done enough physical activity where you've run out of breath?  Congratulations, you're a fitness expert.  

Do you look good and eat salads without any shit on it?  Holy fuck, you're now a nutritionist.  

Do you look good and drink quinoa kombucha chia detox after Zumba Cross-Fit Cardio Barre Windsor Pilates IFBB Pro p90x 360 187 on a motha' fuckin' cop?  FUCK, SON!  You're not only qualified to be dolin' out advice on other peoples' bodies, but you can probably do it while pussy poppin' on a handstand.

The key to being a "fitness expert"?  Just look good and then hand out advice like you're the goddamn Messiah to these fatties.

Yo, Bret, I'm really happy for you.  I'mma let you finish; but Arnold said it best.

Fitness experts finding true love.

North Korea Can't Stop Won't Stop Get It Get It

Whilst my fellow Americans slowly give up on pronouncing Boehner correctly, I decided to re-focus my attention on another set of clowns: North Korea.  Here's a delightful quote released today from the KCNA, "[the] U.S. will be wholly accountable for the unexpected horrible disaster to be met by its imperialist aggression forces' nuclear strike means."  For starters, you lost me after "horrible disaster," as I cannot decipher the rest of the English phrasing.  I mean, the real threat here is North Korea seems to be utilizing Google Translate rather than hiring a legitimate translator.  Eh, maybe they spent all their money building a skull-shaped island where they house a gargantuan laser that will blow up the sun; naturally, they couldn't afford a decent translator to warn us of of their prowess and our impending doom after such large villainous expenditures.  At the end of the day, I have no idea what's going on with those guys, but I've decided to only show fear when Dennis Rodman decides to leave the country for no good reason.  Dennis Rodman, I turn to you.

Then there's the whole mystery threat thing.  I'm not sure how many Batman movies these guys watched, but last I checked, these types of threats are best used when trying to strike fear in the hearts of the citizens of Gotham; doesn't work so much in real life.  I see the word "nuclear" in there, so maybe that's the mystery threat.  This is worse than the time in 6th grade when I tried to figure out what the growth on Ms. Blye's neck was.  For those of you now on the edge of your seats, it was eczema.

Haaaaahahahahahahaha! Oscar. (Man, I Hope Some of You Remember That Quote)- September/October Releases

I'm privileged to watch a lot of screeners before the rest of the world.  With that said, half the time I won't even bother to watch them, because I'm too busy working in entertainment to enjoy entertainment.  Does that make sense?  Think of me as the valet guy.  Sure, I'm in your Lambo and driving it, but I'm straight up driving your car in the parking lot and then I have to hurry up, hop out, and grab the next car.  I'm not exactly living the dream in your car, but I'm in it.  That's what working in entertainment is like.

Now that the summer "I'm Way Too Hungover to Fully Explore My Emotions So Another Wolverine Movie Will Do" phase is done, it's time to usher in the movies that we'll likely be hearing about in February.  Unlike the last award season, where we all scrambled to watch all the nominees in the course of 2-3 days, I'm going to get a head start.  Color me ambitious!

You see, my New Year's resolution (yeah, all hail the girl who kept up her resolution) was to quit procrastinating.  I've done a bang-up job with this in terms of laundry.  Last year, I would let roughly a month's worth of laundry pile up.  Now?  Well, I'm a changed woman!  I do my laundry once a week!  I smell good, my clothes look good, and I'm no longer worried that the stain from Chin Chin on my DVF blouse might grow into penicillin.  Not only is nobody as dope as my fresh game, but I'm also keeping up with Oscar contenders as they come out.  My due fucking diligence has me on the up-and-up with the front runners for award season.  Now who doesn't like an individual who exemplifies such fine standards?

The following is a list that will get updated as I watch for releases this month.  I'm mainly interested in Best Picture, but might talk about some other categories from time to time.  Let's get to it.

The Place Beyond the Pines:  7/10

Don't get me wrong, this movie was fabulous, but it is as though they packaged all the big box office actors without much regard for the story itself.  There is also the issue of this movie getting released to the public way too early to be remembered around the time of nominations (January.)  The other contenders are much stronger candidates for Best Picture.  By now, everyone watched this movie and if you're still pining away for the Pines, you need to hurry up and get your ass to the theaters, because there is some serious competition out there.

Fruitvale (renamed Fruitvale Station):  9/10

I watched this movie on the plane on the way to Houston back in May/June.  I'd been trying to get my hands on the screener long before that when all the buzz was going on at Sundance about it.  Regardless, I finally got to see it.  I'm pretty sure everyone on the plane thought I had severe emotional problems with the way I cried.  I adore this movie.  There are a couple issues with whether it will get a nomination or not in Best Picture.

The first issue is the one that faced Beasts of the Southern Wild.  Sure, it's wonderful and deserves all the accolades in the world, but it is only going to get in as one of those, "let's give the audience an underdog to root for."  The second issue is Lee Daniels' The Butler.  Both movies are afrocentric with a strong messages about African American culture.  While I would like to see both movies up for nominations, I highly doubt the Academy will go for it.  Hopefully, Fruitvale gets a nomination for original screenplay, but I get the feeling they would go with The Butler before Fruitvale in the realm of Best Picture.

Lee Daniels' The Butler:  9/10

Incredible.  The cast is stellar.  The story is layered, yet simple to understand.  While Fruitvale hints at, and blatantly states in Act III, issues currently facing African American culture, The Butler shows the history of those issues and the strides that were made to further efforts of racial equality.  Between The Butler and Fruitvale, this is the safer nomination for Best Picture.

I could easily see Forrest Whittaker as a strong contender for Best Actor.  The movie centers around his character, a butler for the White House, having to stifle his political opinions to keep his job while maintaining a home with a son who was a freedom fighter.  The dichotomy of the goals presented created a polarity in the character that was played excellently by Whittaker.  This role easily could've been fucked-up by just about any other actor.

As a side, I love how Mariah Carey always manages to edge her way into a glorious movie by taking on roles that are homely and of few words.  I guess that's what you do after Glitter.

Rush:  9/10

I know nothing about cars.  I think Fisker Karmas are pretty.  That's all I know about cars.  Currently, there's a tire pressure light on in my Honda Element, but I'm too busy to deal with it.  God only knows what chaos that will lead to with my car.

It was a huge relief to watch this movie and think, "oh word!  I don't need to know shit about cars to get into this movie!"  Both Ron Howard and Peter Morgan already have Oscars.  This film just might get them another one.  I was skeptical about the choice of Chris Hemsworth, but he played a great womanizing booze-hound.  Daniel Brühl not only resembled Niki Lauda, but really managed to play both conceited and lovable simultaneously.  The supporting cast nailed it.  Everything from the cinematography, to the acting, to the writing, and directing were nearly flawless.

The writing, though.  Oh, dear Lord Jesus, the writing!  I loved it.  Peter Morgan is a goddamn whiz kid.  Well, whiz middle-aged man.  This fellow took a story ripe with testosterone and made it palatable for any gender of any age by infusing it with philosophical lessons about rivalry and competition, while still balancing humor with the heavy shit that was going down.

Prisoners:  8/10

The very end made this movie.  That is all I will say without spoiler-ing the shit out of it.  Let's be real, though, if Taken couldn't get an Oscar nomination, neither will this.  I suggest you watch it, just to enjoy yourself at the movies; but I, personally, doubt this will get much in the way of Academy attention.  Some people are wondering if there is a Best Actor in there for Hugh Jackman, but I don't see it.  He played one emotion nearly the entire time: high-octane crazy pants.  Hell, that was nearly everybody in this movie.  Good movie, but no Oscar nomination: final answer.

Blue Jasmine: -/10

I'm not watching this.  Honestly, I don't "get" Woody Allen.  Go read someone else's blog if you want this to be in your comprehensive list of who's up for what.  I hear it has a good chance of getting in.  If you're lucky, I might get another industry homie to do a quick write-up that could fit here.

Gravity:  8/10

People love survival stories.   Thank God I watched this movie at home or I would be that obnoxious movie patron yelling, "shit!  Oh shit!  Sandra, lookout!  Oh baby, no!  Wait wait wait... where're you headed?!"  There was a lot of surviving going on, y'all.  While the story itself is unremarkable in the overall theme of continuously forging ahead when life keeps throwing lemons at you, the film becomes remarkable due to the directing.

Let's talk about Alfonso Cuarón as a director.  If you saw Children of Men, then you know this guy has made the extra-long continuous take his signature.  He executes it gloriously every time and the opening 17 minutes of Gravity is not an exception.  There are several parts in this movie that made me nauseous, but hey, when you're swirling around in outer space, disorientation is the name of the game.  The reason the audience internalizes the story, and the otherwise unremarkable film becomes remarkable, is due to his directorial ability create an illusion for the audience that they are in the story.  While he is not a stranger to the Oscars, I think this movie puts him in the race for Best Director, which would be his first directorial Oscar nomination.  There is a good shot for Best Picture in there, too, but I am still waiting to see all the contenders before I say this movie has a sure shot at Best Picture.

Captain Phillips:  7/10

Here we have another survival story, but this one is based on a true story.  It is notable the "true" story is soon to be debated in court, as well.  Apparently the real Captain Phillips was a bit of a blithering idiot and not exactly the bright ingenious individual we see in the film.

Now here's the deal, everybody is loving this movie and loving Tom Hanks in it.  I just find the pre-existing life up to the inciting incident was paced incredibly slow.  Also, maybe, just maybe, getting the director from Bourne Ultimatum isn't exactly the best way to tug on the heart strings of an audience watching his and his crews' life flash before his eyes in slow-motion.

The ending was executed wonderfully.  I would say at that point, Tom Hanks gave an Oscar-worthy performance.  I'm terrible sorry to say this, because Tom Hanks really imitated Captain Richard Phillips well, but I didn't find it to be great acting.  I mean, ultimately, it's a great imitation.  This isn't Daniel Day Lewis as Lincoln, who brought Abe to life.  Rather, this is a two hour impression of Captain Phillips directed by the guy who does the Jason Bourne stuff.  While I don't care for it, as of now, I could see this getting one of the 10 coveted Oscar noms for Best Picture.  After all, it is better than Runner Runner and a million other movies out there right now.

It is notable that I am the only person on the planet who didn't like this movie and it is likely because I think that Captain Phillips is a bullheaded moron.  Maybe it's the lawyer in me.

12 Years a Slave:

(watching later)

All is Lost:

(watching later)

My Oscar Prediction Rankings for Current Releases as of October 29, 2013 (Best Picture):

1. Gravity
2. Rush
3. Lee Daniels' The Butler
4. Fruitvale
5. Blue Jasmine (from what I hear, see above)
6. Captain Phillips

Note:  This entry was written over the course of time and I will likely do a new one each month to keep up with releases.  By the time January rolls around, maybe all of the movies listed here will pale in comparison to late season releases, so I will try and keep a running ranking.

EDIT:  I've been tremendously busy and will have to update the crap out of this.  I am nearly caught up on every potential contender at this point.  What you see in this blog entry does not reflect my current standings. 12/28/2014

The U.S. Government Shut Down, because They Can't Figure Out Spending

This is great.  I live on meager earnings and can't figure out my spending, either.  I'm going to just shut down.  In the meantime, when people start asking me why I'm not paying rent or bills, and they consider my lack of tender for food "stealing", I'm just going to explain to them, "I am at an impasse between my earnings and what I need to spend, so I shut down.  It is the American way.  Monuments should be erected in my honor based on my patriotism."  USA!  USA!  USA!

One spending issue that congress faces is the inability to agree on the proposed Affordable Care Act.  For once, I think the American public can understand how congress feels, because we have no fucking idea what that shit is about either.  I have half a mind to call up my mom and tell her, "the homeless need homes and I think you should fund this."  Undoubtedly, she will ask, "why?  Who do you think I am?  I can't afford all that.  Divya, I thought you were quitting drinking for a while."  We will then reach a deadlock, because I won't explain myself and she will refuse to give the money.  Congress, you are confused and so the fuck are we.  I say we scrap the whole thing until the next fiscal term.

Now, on to more pressing questions.  Are government shut downs like snow days for congress?  Will they watch endless Charlie Brown movies while eating large bowls of cereal in their pajamas?

Bald Eagles, American Mastiffs, The Grand Canyon, and Toddlers in Tiaras,
Divya