I'm Not Drunk Enough to Deal with Screenwriters (Prepare Your Butt Hole for Cuss Words)

Hi, I'm a professional script reader.  In order to alleviate my incessant need to drink due to frustrations with your inability to write properly, I decided to make you a super fucking handy cheat sheet.  Learn it, live it, breathe it.

1)  Do not underline, bold, or italicize shit.  Stay the fuck away from all capitalized letters, unless you are introducing a character.  I will allow italics if the dialogue is a translation.

2)  Structure: do you know what this is?  Do you know what a three-act structure is comprised of?  If you don't, take a class or figure it out.  There are many elements to each act.  Let them guide you, so you don't go off the rails.  Never forget the following sentiment: you are not Chris Nolan.

3)  Dialogue should tell the story.  The audience cannot read the entire narrative you decided to put into your script.  This is a movie, not a book.  You want to write a book?  Go for it.  You want to write a movie?  Let the dialogue and a tiny percentage of directions tell the story.

4)  Dialogue should be distinct.  I get you think you're fucking hilarious, but not everybody thinks and talks like you.  When the dialogue starts to all sound the same, you're fucking up.

5)  Danny McBride does not want to be in your movie.  If I see one more damn script that says "think Danny McBride",  I will find you, call your mother from your phone, offer her sweet sweet lovin', show up to her place, and shit on her face.  How's that for Danny McBride?  On that note, no A-lister wants to be in your movie unless you're well-known or have someone well-known attached to your project.  Let it go.  If you find yourself writing, "think [name of A-list actor]", I am actually "thinking", "man, this idiot has nothing to offer".  Truth.  Get your own voice.  Thanks.

6)  Los Angeles is not the only city in the world.

7)  All your major characters should be introduced in the first act.  I might let it slide a bit into the early part of the second act before the first reversal or midpoint, but you're better off limiting them to the first act.  I totally get that you have some hilarious shit you came up with that involves minor characters in the second act, but if you still have people popping up in the third act, I am fucking done with you.

8)  Speaking of the third act, pay attention to your resolution and that every pertinent story was wrapped the hell up.

9)  Back to characters real quick.  If the list of every single appearing character takes more than two pages to list, I hate you and you're lucky there's no such thing as a STRONG PASS anymore.

10)  I'm ending my list here, because I know when to shut the fuck up, which is more than I can say for the majority of you.  Nobody gets a "tl;dr" on a movie.

EDIT:  Thought I'd re-publish this for you.

Um, Who Came Up With This; Those Guys Who Beg for Money Outside of the 99 Cent Store?

Apparently Wal-Mart asks employees to donate food to other employees who are in need.  What the hell?  Seriously, this is like the people who beg outside the 99 Cent Store.  I mean, nobody in the 99 Cent Store has money to spare or they'd splurge and buy real cheese instead of whatever 1952 Russian government rations they scrounge up to sell at the 99 Cent Store.

If a company with a $15.7 billion USD profit return is so interested in the well-being of their employees, why don't they up the wages rather than pointing a finger back at the worker?  This is worse than the advent of companies using Buddhist mindfulness in the workplace.  Displacing fault by blatantly shifting the burden to the employee is never a good way to go.

Get your shit together, Wal-Mart.  If discount retailers were a group of high school girls, you'd be the ugly one that's allowed to sit with the others only because you're rich.  The least you can do is share the wealth, because your face and personality aren't doing shit for you at this point.

Maybe we can get the employees to pay to have her extracted.

Internet Dating While Living in L.A. Under the Age of 40 is Still a Terrible Idea

Hi, please quit online dating.

1)  Who the hell are these people?  I am not sure who LincolnDriver78 is, but I guess he owns a shitty car and was born in 1978?  I mean, sure, if I typically spend my nights dumpster diving at 7-11, the dude is a catch, but let's be real, who the hell is this guy?

I once started a fake profile on J-Date.  I did a Google image search with the following boolean string, "hot Jew + beach" for the profile photo.  My profile was approved.  I can't even tell you how many responses I received.  I guess most online daters are too busy throwing caution to the fucking wind to stop and think, "wait, this person could be anyone... a serial killer".  Yes, I am that person that still thinks everyone online is a serial killer.  Good on me, because you know who Craigslist Killer hasn't killed?  "This moi".

Let alone their psychological profiles, I mean, who even looks like their pictures?  Let me show you what I look like in a great photo (granted, from my time as a model) versus what I look like normally.

Who is this vixen?!  I must know her!

Who is this nobody that will die alone?

So, you see, you can't trust photos.  Yes, they are both photos of me, but what you're seeing versus the reality of it all... well, that's a conundrum you wouldn't encounter if you just met someone at GNC or some shit.

2)  Why can't you just go out?  I seriously cannot fathom a day when I am so grotesque that I can't just go out into the world, find someone, have a decent conversation, and then get down to "ass tax" (that's a play on words for "brass tacks", btw; say the joke out loud).  There is nothing hideous about anybody.  I know that makes me sound like some sort of hippie, but my mom is in a drum circle (no joke), so it only makes sense that I would be this way.  There are people everywhere (please ignore all of this if you live in Nowhere City, Wherever You Are); all you need to do is  go out and talk to them.  It's easy, check it out: "hey, does this music suck or what?" "this is my favorite band; what's your number?"  Done and done.  Granted, I'm a total bitch, but hey, I score.

3)  Do you think the guys online are actually looking for a serious relationship?  Unless you're looking at the age of 40+, chances are the guys on there are just super lazy and simply looking to fornicate with someone that they have no emotional attachment to and will never have to see again.  Let's face it, these fellows know perfectly well how to get a girlfriend and likely never had a legitimate girlfriend from an online "relationship".

It is next to impossible to give a crap about someone that has zero meaning in your life.  That category encompasses people online.  Think about it, you have no concept of who these people are without a profile to look at.  You never engaged them in a conversation to learn about them, rather they're just out there blurting out all the crap they like.  You're better off yelling about your interests on the streets.  Heck, that would be a much better love story than simply going through someone's pictures and interests online.  If you people really had this much in common, you would've likely met each other already.

4)  Do you care not for romance?  There is absolutely nothing romantic about online dating.  Do you really want to tell your kids "I knew we were soul mates when he messaged me, 'u r so beautiful'"?  No.  A cool story is, "yeah, I knew we were soul mates when I kept making noise complaints on his friends' apartment and eventually they just started inviting me to the parties to get me to calm the hell down".  I can't tell you how many people tell me I'm hung up on the value of a "cute story", but the truth of the matter is a "cute story" is what keeps you going in a relationship.  It is the foundation to your romance.

5)  Oh you don't have time to find someone?  When will you find the time to date someone, then?  If your time is so limited that it impinges on your ability to have a fulfilling personal life, then you should re-adjust the balance in your life.  Quality of life is imperative to mental health.  Find the time to meet people.  I get that you want to just hurry up and find someone, but cutting corners with people rarely results in long-term results.  That goes for just about anything and you'll get similar advice from your grandparents, because it is one bit of advice that stands the test of time.

That is all.  Thank you and good night.

I Recently Got a LinkedIn and I'm Having Way Too Much Fun Endorsing People for Shit I Didn't Even Know They Could Do

This is also why, as a dual citizen of both Texas and California (yeah, I know that's not a "real thing", but I live like a damn maverick), I am voting for Wendy Davis.  Did I know she could do this?  No.  But I'm gonna endorse her like a paycheck, son!

By now, you guys should all know what a fan of sensible shoes I am.  Ugh, we have so much in common.

Wendy is my favorite kind of democrat: people who don't see every damn opinion as mutually exclusive.  Wendy most recently declared herself pro-life after her famous June filibuster when she advocated the contrary.  It's the "why not both" people who came up with the best shit on the planet: mixed race kids, Swiffer Wet Jets, stripper maids, and honey mustard.  

Yeahhhhh, girl, preach!

Nobody desires killing their own issue, but that choice needs to remain for reasons far beyond the ambit of ensuring there will be no loss of life to the mother.  Do you like how I put that sentence right after a picture of a little girl?  I'm fucking weird.

At the moment, every one of my endearingly precious gun-totin' and bible-thumpin' Texans are furious at the thought of this pro-choice woman becoming the next Ann Richards (who I still think was the greatest TX governor within my lifetime).  I read a comment earlier today that Davis would alienate the Hispanic vote, as they are clearly pro-life due to the pervasive catholic belief system within the culture.  I think these guys are paying too much mind to abortion debate and not nearly enough to the platform she is running on.  She would actually garner a huge percentage of the Hispanic vote based on her MedicAid reform.  

Davis' run for governor is a viable one.  Also, does anyone even know who Greg Abbott is?  You can't just make that jump from TX Atty. General to governor.  Plus, Harvard Law is going to beat Vanderbilt every time.  

Here's to laundry mats that have bars in them, wool blends, Colby Jack cheese, and to all of us liberals who are more willing to go closer to the middle line than staying on the far left.  Dare to dream, people, and dare to mix ideology the same way we mix soda flavors at Fuddruckers.  

There was a time when people thought this was crazy and would never last.

John Kerry May or May Not Go to Egypt in the Same Way I May or May Not Do My Laundry This Week

A friend of mine in undergrad met John Kerry; he was one of the "chosen few" that got to participate in a Q&A with the presidential candidates at the time.  My friend couldn't stand Kerry, but that might be because he is a staunch republican, which is noted by the fact he is insanely good looking and also enjoys things like Denver penthouses and unprotected sex.  If I remember correctly, he told me that Kerry came off as incredibly arrogant.  In other news, my friend now designs black teapots and kettles.  Just kidding, he's actually incredibly wealthy, working as a consultant, and living about one hundred times better than I am.  Time for me to shut-up about that and get to the point.

It should come as no shock that we, as Americans, Rulers of the Universe, and Purveyors of Democracy, are all about securing Egypt, so we can: exert some control over a region that would keep Israel on our "good side"; have control over the Suez Canal, since everyone loves a good short-cut; have as many Arabs on our side as we can get, and Egypt has a scientific fuck ton of them.  

By the power of Greyskull, let's get right with Egypt!

Back in July, Egypt got rid of their democratically elected president (who we didn't like anyway) and ever since then, we've slowly been neglecting them, much like I neglect my laundry.  John Kerry, our most esteemed Secretary of State, decided it is time to start thinking about going to Egypt and assuring our interests are secured.  Dude, you don't spill red wine on your white silk blouse, throw it in the laundry for a few months, and think that shit is going to come out easily afterward.  

I wish I could do a Q&A with Secretary Kerry.  I would ask him the following: "Once, I let my dirty laundry pile up so much that my roommate got fucking pissed at what our shared closet looked like and did my laundry for me.  We rarely spoke after that.  How do you think our roommates are gonna feel when they have to go to Egypt with $260M worth of rolls of quarters (and, mind you, I don't think Whole Foods can change that much into quarters for us) and take care of our dirty laundry in Egypt?  Bad enough we're barely on speaking terms with them now.  Where are we going to live if they kick us out?  Do we have enough money saved up to even move to Jupiter, yet?  We can't just vacate the world once we get into a fight with our roommates.  We really need to handle this mess in Egypt before our laundry spills over into Israel, 'cos the last thing we need are more angry roommates."

I can't even believe this guy is merely thinking about going to Egypt this week; he needs to hurry up and do it.  I mean, sure, things are starting to pile up in Egypt and in my laundry hamper, but I guess we have enough clean underwear and Arabs for now?  

John Kerry's and my life.

Halloween is Not on a Weekend This Year and Some of You Should Care About that Fact

My friends are really badass, but I worry they have their priorities all fucking wrong.  I mean, what is so great about these parties that can't wait 'til next year when Halloween will finally be on a Friday night?  Do they plan to die before then?  I mean, maybe death is a worry for those who live life in the fast lane by going out on work nights, but not me; I don't worry about that shit in the least, because I'm a responsible adult.  I'm the type of adult that wears sensible shoes while driving and always shuts the shower curtain after bathing.

Just wait until next year, worker people, you'll thank me for it on Friday when you still have your jobs.

This is from 2009, which is the last time Halloween fell on a weekend.  Never forget.

France is that Crazy Chick We Keep Making Out With at Parties When We're Drunk

I think my period synched with France's, because every time I hear them bitching about us, I'm on my period.  Heyyyyy, guess who has their period right now?!  I do.  I have it right now.  I guess that means it's that time of the month for France to get all hormonal on America.

France is that hot chick we dated, but remains crazy.  That country where we see pictures of her partying on a yacht in a bikini with other hot chicks and think, "whatever, girl, 'you a bad girl and ya friends bad, too', but you're always trippin' about some shit."  Sometimes, we get drunk and mess around with her again, but regret it when she starts pulling crazy moves.  This is why we can’t be together, France.

Super hot.  Super talented.  Super progressive.  Oh, but also super nuts.  France, meet your celebrity anthropomorphization.

Now you’re complaining to all our friends that we’re spying on you.  Girl, if you weren’t pulling shady moves that endangered us, we wouldn’t need to keep tabs on you.  We're just out here trying not to get murdered.  Isn't that what everyone wants; to not be murdered?

Then, we finally respond to her crazy texts and she's all mad, because it's only one sentence long.  Eventually, her antics get so out of hand where we give-in and calm her down in person so she'll leave our friends alone.  Dude, but we know she's still at home crying into some wine and listening to Aaliyah songs.

Maybe France read too much into code “US-985D”, “DRTBOX”, and “WHITEBOX”.  Girl, we're not insulting your lady parts with those codes.  They're just codes; we weren't saying you've got an extra large chest or a sullied "hoo-ha".  

Remember that time we were drunk on that U.N. power together and were gonna go to Syria?  I'm glad we sobered up and scrapped that idea, but let's just remember the good times we had during that bender, girl.  

Now you're off kickin' it with our ex-bff, Snowden; and it's understandable that you're mad at us, because he's talking about all this shit I said and did when you weren't around.  You can be mad, but leave us alone.  Come to your senses.  Seriously, we just don't want to die.  Quit causing a ruckus and go back to cooking.  Oh girl, and you sure can cook!  We'd wife you up if you weren't so nuts.  

You're still our number three girl.  Hit us up when you calm down; we'll go out for dinner and a Jay-Z concert or something.